I think what's worse is seeing people that you thought they had this thing together, you know…10 years of more it's no child's play. How can it just disappear like that…? Is it that easy to just let go…I guess I will not know the answer until I am there. When I was a child I thought as a child and when I am old I think as an adult. Why am I saying so? When I was not married, I had so many principles, do's and don'ts list on my laptop. It went like this…if she does that …it's over, if she cheats it's over, if she lie to me…I can still negotiate depending on what it is? The fact is I had so many principles about how everything else should run in the marriage…how she should behave and not etc. Then I grew up a little and the list was getting shorter…when I was getting married. The list was even short, but I kept it that way. Finally when I got married, I just discovered that everything that I had imagined is not exactly the way it is (some were and most were not). Things are not that simple…life is not that simple either. Life is complicated…not complex…complicated is still easy to deal with but complex is learning how to live with something knowing that an answer is not achievable. The best is just to accept the situation and try to make the most of it.
I know of many marriages that are holding with a thread, that means one mistake, it's over. In the same way to show that there is not formula to this marriage, love and relationship thing…some hold with a thread for their entire lifetime. Those that are holding with a thread are vulnerable, jittery, threatened and endangered. The statement will go like this…I am in only because of my kids, because of that…because of this etc.
The question really is what causes the break ups after so many years of ageing together…why did you let it go earlier, why now. I know there is a lot of factors and reasons why we hold on…this also depends on what kind of people we are. Some are not that patience…while some if or when they are about to break up…all of sudden things look positive, hopeful and lively. Some go through the cycle few times before they realize that …naah things are not about to change. By that time…its 10 or 15 years down the line. Then we can't really blame them for staying and divorcing in the 19 or 21 year.
The sad thing about our life situations with our partners is that there is always something brewing…getting to the fermentation stage process might take longer…or even getting to the drinking stage. However, one person said that if there are no challenges in life we might as well stop living…there will be nothing exciting to mull over. The headaches, pains, sleepless nights, joys and cries are all part of this lovely life we are all striving to perfect. Or are we really trying and striving to perfect our life? This days it seems like the opposite…all things seems to be going wrong. Our family structures are in shambles…really hashes…I know not of any person that had a rosy typical family upbringing…I accept my family upbringing was in hodge-podges. You don't know the end from the beginning, some you can't even try to unravel as more nasty surprises will spur up…and those that are buried and dead…let them remain as they are. You don't wanna discover that the person you called you father or mother your whole life is not. Let's just go with a flow on that one, the fact is we are here now to start a new beginning.
That beginning need new thinking about our marriage situations and its complex form. Is there a solution somewhere out there to all this…yes probably there is…Christians will say hand over your marriage to God and trust Him to take care of it for you…the same with Muslims, Buddhism and Judaism etc. The same goes for those who believe in traditional muti-man to save their marriage. When I grew up, muti man was the protagonist when it came to preserving marriages. There are those who believe in nothing…anything goes…forces of nature they call it which can sway in any direction.
Cosmopolitan magazine conducted an online poll as to what causes couples break up, they came up with 10 reasons. Going through them...especially the first one – We just fell out of love? Really…just like that…my experience tells me that there is so much in that statement. It is not as it meets the eye...there is something more. There are things that happen for the 'out of love to take place'. If you ask me I would say all the other nine factors amount to number one. The other nine are…
2. Cheating. (36.6 percent)3. Lying about something, trust lost. (29.3 percent)
4. We were always fighting and realized we shouldn't be together. (29.1 percent)
5 and 6 (tied). He/she stopped doing sweet, romantic things for me.
I missed being single and dating around. (both 21.1 percent)
7. He/she wasn't very ambitious when it came to his career. (20.6 percent)
8. One of us moved. (20.2 percent)
9. He/she didn't get along with my friends and family. (18.9 percent)
10. The sex was bad. (15.7 percent)
Whether your situation fit exactly the same criteria as set above or not…the point is, it is included somewhere in-between.
What is rather compelled in my mind is that most people that are not married read about all this stories of divorces after many years of marriage. What effect does that have on the current generation? Does it promote cheating, sleeping around with care or does it encourage some to not want to repeat the same mistakes and or be part of that statistics. Again if you ask me…this trend is slowly swaying people to believe that there is no hope in marriage. Life should just happen. There is no more love. It discourages some people to get married. It also breed children that may never hold a marriage…through hereditary. Christians will call it generational curses. I know some people that display the sign of hereditary…having it tough to hold a marriage. Some end up just being child bearers with same or different fathers, or child makers with same or different mothers. Neither situation is desirable.
Could we attribute what happens to the so called curses, or is just that we are unable to hold our own? Are we using curses as a scapegoat, or trying to avoid accountability? I don't know…? When a marriage break, when does it count as a curse or purely "I am responsible for it", or my partner is one who erred. The answer may be simple as God will be able to outline, whoever you perceive Him to be in your life.
Now there real question is that, Is there hope for marriage? Yes, I would like to believe. As long as there is still love…there is still hope to make it work. When people are in love, they feeling is so overwhelming, one can even fly and do the impossible. Then one or two fights slowly transforms the landscape of marriage to an acceptable level…then to normal…then to below acceptable etc. I would say that divorce should not discourage us, dampen our hopes, our spirits or hopes of making it in marriage. By the way, being in marriage for a long time is not necessarily an achievement that one can strive for, it is the journey to getting to that achievement, which is the bonus if reached a certain milestone. We are not in marriages to push the years…no. We are here to fulfil a certain purposes that God put two people together to do. You and your partner are supposed to be that perfect combination that God put together to advance His Kingdom. Your marriage (union) is a pilgrimage together - individual and collective growing in the character of God. The quality of the agape love within your marriage is a physical representation of your spiritual relationship with Jesus. There goes my next wedding speech!!
One of the problems that kill the vibe about getting married or even making it is that, we see our supposedly role models failing to make it, then we think less worthy of ourselves making it. If Dr. Barnard, who has a Degree in this and that can't hold it, who am I to hold it. Already you are indirectly and directly declaring yourself a failure in that area. When your marriage collapse try to remember your words, you have spoken it over yourself. The power of spoken words. We should never ever undermine ourselves and capabilities. You are capable of coming up with the cure for Aids or bringing the best solution that has never being thought of in this world. You are that good, excellent and better than you deem yourself to be. You didn't not make yourself and you need to ensure that you fulfil that purposes - you are here on earth for - it is not to get married by the way. Ephesians 2: 4 – 10 says judge your worth and value by what God says about you in His word, not by how somebody else says or treat you? We seems to value or prize more what certain people say or do than what God says about certain situation.
Let's transform our thought processes to align with God so that we do not end up in a pit…like our role models. Other people's failure cannot be yours. No, you need to refuse and make you own mark. You are an individual that has a life plan and path…you are the example whose marriage will last a lifetime. I think it is time to just simply Believe In Yourself.
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