Forgiveness Is Tough!!!

I recently discovered that one of the friend is not talking to a group of friends for a while for alleged wrong done to him some time back in 2012 in a party, till today they don’t see eye to eye.  I know these people to be a tight-knit and inseparable but hearing that sad news reminded me of my long suspicion about modern relationships/friendships. Most of them don’t seem to have basis or base, foundation and anchoring. My memory of old friendships is the one where we used to fight and still make up afterwards. The fights were not forever but rather temporary. Unlike today after one fight most friendships are over.

As a brief background to the topic of forgiveness, looking through Google and Wikipedia, a research work of Dr Robert Enright emerged. Dr. Enright founded International Institute of Forgiveness (IIF), developed 20 Step Process Model of Forgiveness. He also focused on my point of departure, what kind of person is likely to forgive? The study found that those that are neurotic, angry and hostile are less likely to do so, rather avoiding and likely to avenge. This people are likely to experience various health related problems.

The same study shows that those who are likely to forgive are healthier and happier.  This people who forgive, their cardiovascular and nervous systems improves upon thinking about the act. It lifts the supposed burden on them and are liberated. This help to reduce the likelihood of illnesses.

Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University also the author of “Learning to Forgive” added to the pool of knowledge, he reckons forgiveness can be learned and is a life skill. His studies found that those who were taught to forgive became happier, tolerant, optimistic, compassionate and self-confident. If anything the learning increases vitality and reduces hurt and experiences of physical stress.    

The topic state that forgiveness is tough, what makes it so hard and not easy to do? Is it the method or approach? Is the hurt too much? Is the memories unbearable thus making it impossible to forgive? Or is the forgiver a miserable, unhappy and depressed individual as stated in the research? Who has a point to prove - the wronged or the one who will not forgive? The real problem with the situation is the inability of either parties to realise their rightness or wrongness - to what extent their rightness or wrongness has contributed to the dilemma they are both in. In most cases whatever you do is right until someone proves you otherwise. The challenge is, do you agree to the disapproval or approval process. If you do not agree, you will remain with either your uninformed or informed position. The cracks of the matter is for both parties to be willing to sit and deliberate on the matters. If there is still disagreement, call a trusted third party for a different opinion. If that does not settle the arguments, it might be time to go your separate ways or embrace the diversity in unity. The key in embracing the differences is to acknowledge and identify them in-order to ensure that the same does not happen again.

I would like to explore on today’s friendships, my personal observations. As pointed out, they seem to end prematurely or before they begin. My assertion is that today’s friendships lack the solid foundation, purposes and meaning. There are this phrases used, people come into your life for a season and reason?? How true is that? Once that is used, it justifies ending any relationship. People regard themselves as perfect in certain areas and thus the lack is on another person, he must be the one to apologies. There is no forbearing, no grace, no mercy, we are overly critical of each other - the new black professional have learned to criticise like most whites counterparts. If you don’t want to forgive, who will forgive you the rare day you think you have erred. No one should ever think that he is perfect, that’s the biggest mistake one can ever make.

To be contd….next time will expand on the ilk of friendships, our personalities, whether we really need to forgive or not...is it us or them.