I Am Compliant…What Are You!!!

I am reading a book, Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend. The book is about When to say yes, How to say no and take control of your life. In chapter 3, they speak about people characteristics and boundary problems we have, in order for us to understand how and when to say no or yes. We first need to understand ourselves. This is not one of those personality traits. The reason for this blog post is because I could truly and sincerely identify with this boundary problems. I face them more often…and every time I remember that I need to tighten my life in certain aspects and areas. At most times it indicate our weaknesses, which we do not like being reminded of, on a daily basis. Although there is benefit. As we can refine and fine tune our lives and rectify certain mistakes that we overlook. Here are the problems we have. See if you can identify with one of them and say which one.

1. Compliant: Saying Yes to the Bad
This kind of people have fuzzy and inarticulate boundaries. They yield into the demands and needs of other people. They can't stand alone, distinct from other people who want something from them. This kind of people pretend to like the same books, TV shows, movies, hangout spots with their friends or people they know. So that they can get along. They normally minimise their differences with others so as to avoid conflict. In essence compliants change their stance to suit the situation just like a chameleon. After a while it's hard to differentiate them from their environment. This cause them an inability to say no, which is inescapable. This enhances the inability to refuse evil to a greater extent – prevent one from recognising evil. Often realises late when in a dangerous position or bad company. The spiritual and emotional radar is broken. Inability to guard their hearts. They fear hurting other people's feelings. Compliance to harsh conscience. Lastly compliance take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries.

2. Avoidants: Saying No to the goods

The kind of people that are unable to ask for help, recognise their own needs and allow others in their space. They totally withdraw when in need, thus not asking for support or aid. Their boundaries are walled so strong, they are suffocating in them. As they do not allow bad out and good in. They are sealed, nobody should come near. Opening up to anyone is impossible, even to God at times. There is inflexibility towards God given needs. Their legitimate needs and wants are seen as something bad, destructive and shameful. 

• Compliance Avoidants are people who have no boundaries where they need them and they have boundaries where they do not need them. 

3. Controllers: Not Respecting others Boundaries

One of the most common boundaries, most people fall under this category. They have problem hearing and accepting other people's boundaries. To them, no is simply a challenge to change the other person's mind. They simply do not respects other people's limits. At times, they yield responsibility in their own life while controlling others. I know some marriages and relationship like that. They believe no means maybe and maybe means Yes. In most times, they are bullies, manipulative and aggressive. Controllers look for someone to carry their load in addition to the person's individual load. Two kinds of controllers; 

• Aggressive Controllers: don't listen to others boundaries. Run over other people's fences like a tank. At times verbally and or physically abusive. Are simply unaware about others boundaries.
• Manipulative Controller: Are less honest. Try to persuade people out of their boundaries and talk others into yes. They implicitly wangle circumstances to get their way. Use guilt messages and persuade others to carry their burden. 

4. Nonresponsive: Not hearing the needs of others

It is when your partner does not allow you time to get hurt and heal. Your partner can get angry and do all sorts of things. But immediately you try to get angry and air your frustrations, then problems starts. He/She gets angry for you getting angry. Normally when you pour your heart to that kind of person, the respond will be like, if you don't like the way things are done, change them, change your view of them or the way you feel about them. Life's is not a bed of roses. This person shows no compassion for your intimate issues. Seems distant and not understanding. Inability to express your neediness. It is the failure of the other partner to connect with her partner - neglecting his/her responsibility towards the other person's needs. Lack of attention to love the other person as they should. Absent minded and often self-absorbed. Two kinds of nonresponsives;

• People with critical spirit towards others, dislike being incomplete themselves thus ignore other's needs.
• People who are self-absorbed in own desires and needs they completely exclude others (narcissism).

I am sure you will find yourself in the midst of all of this. I fall more in the number on category. It does have to be exactly the same to fit your situation. At time there are people who feature in all of the above. We manage this all differently and are able to survive - though I hope we learn from some of this challenges to be better people. The good thing about identifying what's wrong with you, is that you are able to deal with it and try to fix - unlike not knowing.